I got brave today and looked through a notebook that had some of Jim’s diary of a trip he went on, as well as a bunch of my letters to him. I opened this one knowing it was going to make me cry, but I couldn’t stop. I needed to share it as I still feel this way about him in spite of more recent years when he was emotionally unwell. I suppose it is a part of me processing grief. Here goes. To Jim: 7/2/92 Your love rushes over me and surrounds me as the waves rush over the beach. I am consumed by you, by all that you are. Your love is all around me. Moonlight dances upon the water as my life begins anew. We have been here once before, you and I, In this place where the night sky meets the dark waters. We have stood barefoot on the sand, held one another and experienced wholeness under the light of the full moon. It seems as if our souls may still be in this place together, as we feel each others thought and dreams. Our silhouettes continue along the unending shore they have always known. They have never been apart, unlike us. How we were separated, I can not guess. I do know that we need not lose each other again. We can stop searching and begin to live anew. Love me, live in me, never leave me. Love ALWAYS, Ginny Though he has left me physically, he does live in me and won’t ever leave me. I cry now.

How does one write about the loss of The Love of her Life? I have no words. I have been trying to write since 11/5 when at some time between 3am and 7am he died on the floor of our bedroom while I was a sleep on the couch. I always knew he would go before me, but now??? So unprepared. Finding new things every day...who do I put as emergency contact on paperwork? What do I do with his taxes? Who haven't I told yet? What do I say when I meet with the bank on Tuesday about mortgage loan modification? WTF? I find something new every hour it seems. NYE is his favorite holiday and it's going to be here very soon. I am about to come up on my 6 year anniversaries of that whole brain cancer thing - the thing that he got me through. That's going to be difficult, followed by what would have been our 19th anniversary. The sorrow overtakes me randomly. I am learning that the stages of grief are not linear. They are a roller coaster. Thank God for friends who understand that and drop everything to wrap themselves around me when I fall apart. Starting another new life. I just did this in 2005. I haven't even fully adapted to that and now you're throwing this at me? I miss him so much. The last month was hell on earth, but the love was always there. He complained to his "friends" that I was a bitch on wheels. Perhaps I was, but I was trying to save his life while they were all placating him, serving and buying him drinks, and making him feel like it was ok to drink after 2 doctors told him he was gonna die if he didn't stop. Apparently both the mental illness and the addiction were far worse than any of us realized. Great. Had a great trip up north thanks to Tim and Sherry. I drove to their place Tuesday after work. Wed we all drive up to SF together and spent the night near the Cow Palace. Thursday we went to Trader Vic's for buffet brunch. Friday Dickens Faire. As I told Jason as he hugged me, "It's good to be home." Tim paid for everything the entire trip, so I could join them. Heather wants to fly me up to Santa Rosa for a week bookending with Faire so I can have some time to process. I'm working on that. I can't afford to miss a week's worth of work, but I really need the break, too. Balancing act will ensue. Every time I go into the office, I end up spending hours in there. The paper trail started with 1995. Why did he keep EVERYTHING??? I thought I was bad. Medical records from 2005 show cirrohsis of the liver and portal hypertension. Funny how he only mentioned the portal hypertension, then refused to believe that drinking had anything to do with it. Yes, the anger stage comes in waves and probably keeps the sadness from taking over as much as it should. So unnecessary. I wasted so much time, so many words, so much energy trying to show him how his behavior was making him physically and mentally ill. Go figure when you ingest depressants, your depression and anxiety get worse...yeah, I'm pissed off that someone who was constantly invited to MENSA could be so freaking stupid with his own health. Just goes to show how ill he was. I first lost him when he was diagnosed bi-polar. Now I've lost him forever. Amazing how my stress level is much lower now that it was that past month. I'm not screaming at anyone, not having to babysit, not worried about his health. It's all done with. I am sleeping better some nights. And still I look like hell. Dark eyes, sallow cheeks, loss of appetite, clothes hanging...I'm sure things will adjust themselves eventually. Working in a dusty office every day isn't helping much. I finally got enough of it empty (thanks to Mike) to vacuum a little. Of course, 2 days after he died, I got in a car accident with a Mercedes SUV which totaled my PT Cruiser. Bent frame, sheered off power steering mechanism. Fuck. I have Jim's Envoy, but it's too big, gets shitty mileage, hasn't been serviced properly, and is so completely his. I drove it one day before I got the rental and I fell apart. His stuff, his scent, his CD's...ugh. I need to get a reliable car for $10,400 cash. Researching what will be the best car for me. In the mean time, I have to return the rental tomorrow. So, now I am my number 1, and not looking to replace him. I loved him more than and in ways that I will ever love anyone again. I am not closed to the idea, just not interested. #2 will stay #2 and #3, #3. Nothing will change on that front. In some ways, it feels as if this is the way it should always have been. I have no problem being alone, spending time alone, not having a primary relationship. I don't NEED anyone. People just seem to drop into my life at various times. No doubt it will happen again eventually. Hopefully later rather than sooner. Even in the span of a few words, the roller coaster flies. There is always a background of unspeakable sadness. A grief as deep as the love we have for one another. I am lucky to have been afforded the opportunity to love so deeply. I am also so broken by grief that I don't know if I'll ever be unbroken again. The first time I saw his best friend afterward, all I could get out was, "I'm so broken" in between giant sobs while he was holding on to me for all he was worth. I am lucky to have these and other very good friends watching out for me. We have already made a small Disneyland pilgrimage to celebrate his life. The first ride on Space Mountain was a difficult one as it was his favorite ride. His friend, Steve was sitting in front of me, so I put my hand on his shoulder the entire ride. He said he was sitting there thinking, "No one gets how hard this is..." when he felt my hand on his shoulder. So many of our friends have known him since he was in his 20's. I didn't start hanging out until he was 33. I grieve for them as well as myself. He was a force of nature in his own right. He knew so many people. Every day I wake up and think of more people I need to contact. today it was the crew at the Whale and Ale. Andrew, Sally, Enrique, Rob, Harry.... Not sure how to make that happen, but I need to. Everyone at the Branch knows now. Only one person has contacted me. Hmmm...guess they might feel a little guilty? Obviously, by the 12 empty bottles of vodka I found in his office, he would have been drinking anyway, but a lot of those people fed into that without thinking. Actually, they bought into his lies. He was convinced that he had some sort of blood disease that was genetic. Pancytopenia. Ok, yes. There was a disorder. His blood counts were so low that he had nose bleeds constantly. He told everyone that he might have Leukemia even though his white count was very low. It was important for him to make everyone think that it wasn't his responsibility. The disorder was caused solely by alcohol, not by some random gene that reared it's ugly head. He was solely responsible for his own death. that's where I have to remind myself that he was mentally ill and an addict and not to try to make sense of it. It doesn't make sense, he was much, much smarter than that. I'm sorry and sad that he was in so much pain, and so ill that he couldn't see out. That turns the anger into hurt again. And away we go down the next drop. I told Jason Friday that I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much as he sat on the floor next to the couch to sit and hold my hand. Everyone says "If there's anything you need..." Problem is I never know what I need from moment to moment. It is things like Jason's gesture that make me go, "wow, I really needed that." I would never have asked for it because I didn't know. Sure glad others do.

Dad is doing very well. We've been walking and going out to eat when I visit each week. He goes on solo walks around the neigfhborhood, and yesterday he ut gas in the car. He's still frustrated at being slow, but he can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was home on my birthday (for once), as one of my jobs had a project that didn't end until after my birthday. I went up to Napa n the 11th instead with my friend, Keith. We stopped in Oakland Thursday night and had sushi with a friend who was going to out us up, but ended up with a long-term house guest. He put us up at a hotel that was on the way to Napa. The next morning, we were on our way. Keith caught on to the wine tasting system very quickly - dress well, learn everything you can, carry on an intelligent conversation, and free stuff starts flowing. His 30th birthday was the 16th, he had never been to Napa, so we planned a trip between our birthdays. I took him to all the usual places a first timer has to go, plus my fav places, plus two new ones fr me. A friend set us up a nice reserved table at Darioush with free $35 tastings, and on of the members of my Sendai team who happens to live in Napa was able to meet us there. We hit 5 to 7 wineries per day, even on the day we did 2 appointment only tastings. The 2 new places were Venge (Calistoga near Vincent Arroyo), and Paradigm (still up that direction). Venge was incredible. We got lost in the tasting because every wine we tried was better than the previous one. Every time we decided to purchase something, we found something even more amazing. Ohgeedarn...may I try that one again, please? I think we were there for 2-3 hours. Got to tour the fermentation and barrel rooms. Got to taste something he wasn't going to open at first. Paradigm was a whim. I think a friend of Keith's told him to go to Paraduxx, and we mistook the name. Yay for us, it was very good. The tasting room guy was the (older, hippie) brother of the owner. He said he didn't know much, but took us on a full on tour of the facility, the vineyard, and explained more than we had heard anywhere else. He grew up in the valley, and I think the locals all take for granted how much they know about vineyards, grapes, and wine making. That same day we did Sterling (you HAVE to your first time to ride the gondolas and see the architecture and the view). The wine is crap. Though I warned him of that ahead of time, he was still unprepared for the swill that was presented him. It must take a LOT of effort to make something taste that horrible. Their self guided tour was informative, but we walked away wondering how the wine could taste so bad if that was the process they were using for winemaking. We had fun being snobish, but polite, and made it back down the hill to his Cazwell CD on full blast with both of us singing. We decided that this process would keep us from becoming pretentious. It seemed to have worked. Our tour at Chanon was lovely - a cute, funny British girl was out guide. Then, we arrived at the dreaded "now we are going to treat you like we are French" tasting room. The pretention was thick in the air. The skinny version of Snookie was behind the counter catering to all of her Jerseylicious friends and ignoring us completely. She was the only one behind the counter until they finally asked a guy from the outside bar to help out. We finally started our tastings and were pleased with the wine, but again lost the service when our server had to go back outside. We went out to tell him what was going on. He apologized profusely and gave us a tasting of a reserve that's not part of what we paid for.. It was lovely. There was one still wine on the list we wanted to tste and damn if we were leaving before we got to try it. Finally got service inside (only champagne available outside) bought the still wine after tasting it, and left with our 2 champagne glasses and one really nice red wine glass. It's the least they could do. Horrible experience, won't do it again. Now I recall that there has always been bad service there. Unless you know someone, you get treated like crap. I won't ever know anyone there because I don't know anyone pretentious enough to get along with those nitwits. So, I'll just keep avoiding it and do Shramsburg the next time I bring a newbie to Napa. We hit Peju after that and the difference in service was astounding. I asked for Alan as I always do - he's been selling me wine since the 80's. As we waited, we were apologized to many times by several employees fir the wait time. They also brought us some of their blush wine. Alan finally came to get us and greeted us with a rap that he was making up on the fly. Keith knew I was waiting for Alan specifically, but had no idea why. He was highly entertained. We got rap (including some scratching on a verrigated business card with a quarter), a solo with guitar, and some yodeling. Keith got California Zephyr's 1st and 2nd CDs, both personally autographed, one with a cartoon drawing of Alan playing his guitar. I didn't expect this to be a blow by blow commentary on my Napa trip, but oh, well. We went to Prager one day - might have been Sunday because we kept running out of time. Prager has stopped using the suoer giant red wine glasses I love so much. Apparently the manufacturer no longer carries them. Through our whole tasting, we kept needling one of the Prager boys about the glasses. Finally, he has to pass us on the stairs to retrieve something. As he went past, I said "Hey, while you're up there..." as Keith said something about them having more glasses in storage somewhere. He came back down we 2 glasses and told us to let him switch our glasses out for the next wine. We're still giggling. Keith now has a matching set since I already have 6 of them plus some Silver Oak glasses in a similar size. My days are all mixed up. Friday night we ended up at Cornerstone because it was open until 7pm. The tasting room guy handed us a fist full of deals - free corkage at Mustard's, free appetizer at Hurley's, free tasting at Venge... I was going to go to Bouchon for dinner because of their truffle oil fries until the guy gave us free appetizer at Hurley's and told us about critical mass fries - truffle oil, garlic, cheese, bacon...OMG! We had those, a couple of dinners, a hot turtle (drink with chocolate and butterscotch schnapps), then another hot turtle cuz that one was so good and we both reeked of garlic. Sat night we had reservations for Mustard's. I have stopped going there for lunch because the prices aren't any less, and I just don't have time to stop for a leasurely lunch while trying to see everything. Dinner wad fabulous, and only came to about $120. We had free corkage on the lovely Cabernet we had bought at Vincent Arroyo that morning. I had roast duck. He had steak. I don't eat red meat anymore, but had a couple of small bites, OMG, like buttah. Enjoyed our meal and our wine and noticed the poor pretentious souls in the room trying so hard to be rich and interesting, yet failing miserably. When you spend your life caring about what others think of you, you lose your soul. I am proud to not give a flying fuck. Some people don't like that about me. They are usually the ones most insecure about themselves. Most people love it. Those are usually the most secure, and therefore, close friends. Keith and I only met last year at a friend's birthday party in the Presidential Suite at the Disneyland Hotel. We hit it off pretty quickly. He was living in Vegas at the time, but his boyfriend was in L A. and he visited so often, he had an annual pass. Shortly after he moved out here, he and his bf broke up. We started hanging out at Disneyland together more and more often. We enjoy each other's company, like each other's friends, and appreciate each other's brutal honesty. He was the perfect person to travel with. We ended up having the same taste in wines, food, and hotels, so we both had a blast and have already started planning next year. We spent Sunday night in San Francisco, met up with a bunch of his online pals at a local bar, cuddled up on the couch at a friend's house for the night, then hustled down the 5 to get him to L A in time for a movie date with a very promising new man (whom he is still seeing :) Fabulous trip, great times, great memories, lots learned, fun sharing my love of Napa with someone who now loves it and wants to go back and stay longer. Great birthday! Most of the wine is at Keith's being that it's stuff we split the costs on and won't drink without each other. I love that I have that trust with him. As soon as we both financially recover from this trip (months), we will take a bottle to Steakhouse 55 at the Disneyland Hotel and relive the trip. :) King's has added another department to the 3 I already work. I'm now at 10 hours/week just with them. I have to cram all of these hours into Tues-Thurs right now because of faire. It is proving to be challenging, especially this week because I was sick on Tuesday and had a car issue to take care of. I will prevail. I always do. I'm consistent that way. See you in a month or two.

Sorry if you've recived multiple notifications about this one. I didn't intend for it to come out as one giant paragraph, but I am having trouble getting it to break down. Went to bed at a decent hour last night. Woke up at 12:35am, 3.3 earthquake at 12:36am. My heart skipped a few beats then raced the rest of the night. Headache and nausea ensued - ground my teeth all night. I finally took a valium a few minutes ago because the symptoms wouldn't stop. Normally a 3.3 wouldn't phase me. I suppose that the week in Sendai riding out all the 5.2 pluses while sleeping on the floor have taken their toll. Worrying about and trying to visit my dad as often as I can is not helping. **** I guess I have not written about that yet. My dad fell on their brick patio while on a step stool repairing a screen. He broke his hip. He turned 80 last October. As you might imagine - this news caused me to panic. I didn't want to open the thought up to the universe, but I know full well that an injury that severe that late in life can have dire consequences. I also know my dad, his good health, and his strength and resolve. Something about apples and trees... The break was low enough that they didn't have to replace the hip, just shove a couple of pins in it. His right leg is the weak one after having polio as a kid and he broke his left hip. This is probably a good thing as the left leg would tend to heal fater since it's more healthy. It also forces him to put the weight evenly on both legs since the right one isn't strong enoufh to carry all of him. It has been and is very difficult for him - mostly having to be taken care of for any length of time and the amount of time it's taking to heal. He is doing quite well - my brother and I took him outside with the walker yesterday. He was having a bad pain day, so we didn't get far, but he was determined to get through it. My brother offered to go get the wheelchair for him, but in true Garrison form, he refused, 'No, I can make it back ok." Very pleased and proud. I'm sorry he has to live with the pain right now, but I know he will get better, and be back to fishing and his wood working soon. ***** I process things for a long time in order to learn from them. After much stirring, things have boiled down to the fact that I got into a #2 relationship with a person who intended to be monogamous with someone else once he met her. Had I known or been told (the only way to know), things would have been completely different. I would not have allowed myself to become so involved, nor allowed myself to be used in such a way. I was used and tossed away without notice or knowledge that it could happen. It hurts, I was betrayed, I will never again get into a #2 relationship with anyone who is single, let alone so attached to monogamy (except for enjoying it's benefits temporarily, while it benefited him) that he is willing to sacrifice everything (including my friendship) in order to have it. Never again. I am in a #2 relationship again, but because we both have #1's, it is a balanced relationship. Neither of us wants any more from the other than what we already have. We have enjoyed 4 happy years in this relationship, and look forward to many more. Such is life. Northern Faire is going to pick at the scab again, but the healing will also be there. Hopefully, the sociopath (the other toxic person cut from my life) will keep to himself.

I went to see “On stranger tides.” with a friend. It was entertaining, fun, a nice distraction. During the credits I began thinking about Japan (again) - I guess because we were talking about Hawaii. I suddenly realized how broken I still am from my experience. How I am clinging for life to everything and everyone who brings me joy. Simple things - sitting next to a cute boy at the movies, shoulder to shoulder, whispering comments to each other at various points….I have been and continue to draw toward me everything and everyone that I love. I guess that’s not a bad thing in and of itself, except that I might be sucking the life out of my friends, I am so needy. I am not normally the person who needs, but the person who is called upon for help. At this point, I would ask for help, but I have no idea what I need. I suppose I should really call my Noah’s Wish coordinator - she told me the week I got back to call her if I needed to talk about it. She’s been deployed on multiple disasters, so she has experience with trying to get back to life after deployment. I suppose I underestimated the effects this trisaster would have on mny psyche. Holy Crap. It’s as if I am swimming around in all of the despair that the Japanese people would feel if they leyt themselves. In their typical stoic style, they continue forward without faltering, with a positive outlook and hopeful attitude. Meanwhile, I agonize for them, and all that they’ve lost. For the people who died, for the country’s beauty and peaceful sights, for those who lost everything, down yto the local fichermen whose boats are scattered along highways. WTF? I have always been rather empathetic and intuitive, but it usually serves me well. This time, not so much. I’m not sure how to break that connection. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am appreciating all that I have. I am preparing myself and those around me for what will occur here some day. I don’t want the gravity of my experiences to go away, I just want to disconnect from continuing to mourn for something that is not mine to mourn. Thought I am now able to speak of Japan without bursting into tears, I still have crying spurts at home, like right now. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a cryer, so there are some big things going on in there. I would like to deal with and move through them. I have gotten back to life - a routine, lots of Disneyland, lots of friends, working…not enough. I am leaving for another 5 day camping trip in the oaks (one campground down from the one I was in 5/20 weekend. With friends who can understand me and what I’m going through. Between them, the oaks, and live music for 3 of the days, I am hoping to get a better handle on life back in The States. To be continued…

I can't believe I was in Japan for 3 weeks and didn't get to see Yokyo Disney Sea.  What a wonderful and horrifying experience.  The voluntary evauees from the 20k zone left their pets at home, coming back to check on them daily.  The human shelters do not allow animals, so they really had no choice.  They were given no notice when the government shut down the zone and cut off access to their homes.  Hundreds of pets left stranded indoors and out - not enough food or water to last more than a few days.  The photos of the zone when it was first shut down were with dogs running everywhere.  The photos coming out now show hundreds of animals who starved or dehydrated to death, many of them injured and half eaten by more aggressive animals.  We saved what we could before and after the shut down, but there were many more hundreds we just couldn't get to or catch.

Japan is a gorgeous country, even with 400 miles of coastline obliterated.  Really, entire villages just missing with nothing but mud and debri left.  The entire coast is dotted with cars that have been damaged, flipped, and crushed during the tsunamis.  Standing in the midst of the debri fields, one can look down and see children's toys and shoes, purses, wallets, photo albums, blankets...very personal items in the midst of a surreal disaster.  These scenes hit home and made the horror of the situation real.  The media is focused on the radiation issuesm which are near negligible.  Tens of thousands are dead, mutilated, homeless, without clothing and food, living in the 2nd story of their homes where the first floor was wiped out.  Towns with raw sewage in the streets and children trying to play.  Hospitals with bedding hanging out of broken windows.  And that's just tsunami damage.  The earthquake damage is also extensive - blue tarps covering traditional tile rooves, Buildings collapsed onto cars.  The media should focus on these people who have lost everything.  The people evacuated from radiation concerns still have everything, just don't have access to it for a while (except their pets - most of those are long dead now).  It pains me to watch the government shut down areas that have less radiation than we in the U S are exposed to every day.  The local government wants to cooperate with animal rescuers, but the National government keeps shutting them down.  A few people were caught coming out of the zone, but the local authorities seemed more worried about someone driving without a license than where they just came from.

The Japanese people are amazingly resilient.  They smile and laugh.  They thank us profusely for traveling so far and enduring hardships to come to their aide.  They are embarrassed by the way their government has treated their pets.  They have lost everything, yet they are more concerned for our safety and whether or not we are getting good food and water during our rescue efforts than they are about the fact that they are living in an elementary school gym indefinitely.  As we review or photos and cry for the destruction, we also remember these very special people and their generousity toward us and our organizations.  I suppose this was a life changing experience - I am anxious to watch the ways it was.

My 3rd week there, the Incident Commander went home and I had to take over as IC.  My first deployment, my first trip abroad, and now I am running the show for our Sendai team?  Wow, what a trial by fire that was.  3 weeks of working from 7am to 11pm or later day in, day out.  I wasn't sure how I would keep that schedule for 2 weeks, let alone 3, but there was so much left to be done, I just couldn't leave on 4/29 as scheduled.  Craziness.  I knew it would be organized chaos.  With a local and international group trying to work together, there was more chaos than organization.  I will never agree to be IC in that type of situation again.  You and I both know that I would do whatever it takes to make the mission a success, but I'm very good with never being in charge again.

Seriously.  You know you are well when you are dispatched to Japan and you are able to go, assuming you raise enough money to pay for flights, documents, food, and lost wages.  All three employers are fine with me taking the time off to do this.

I have been dispatched to Japan for 2 weeks to rescue, house, and reunite animals with their owners.  Wow.  What an aventure - travelling alone to a far away country.  That part is a little scary, but once I land, the ground crew will pick me up, get me settled into my hotel room (likely with roommates), and take me where they need me most.  Overall I am really excited about it.  This is the type of situation I have been training for since 2008.  I have never been dispatched before.  When I joined Kinship Circle, I figured they'd reject me because I refuse to get vaccinated.  My immune system would make me bed ridden for a monthtrying to deal with that shit.  I committed to 4/17 to 4/30 and immediately starting working on the passport issue (not having one).  I should receive that by the 10th. I received a phone call this morning from the coordinater asking if I could come on the 9th.  Aside from not having a passport, and the 9th being less than a week away, my spring concert is the 9th and I have been rehearsing for that every Monday since January.  Now I know why I didn't get the solo I auditioned for.  God had a plan.  I should really learn not to doubt.  I am shooting for 4/13 and have started making lists, packing, researching weather trends, making flyers to get more donation money...I am exhausted already.  People wonder why I push myself so hard sometimes - it's so I can handle a situation like this.  Last year I would have had to tell them "no."  Because I have pushed myself and my energy levels by taking care of Michael on my days off, and going to Disneyland more frquently - sometimes several days in a row, I am now able to say "yes."

I am now on skype waiting for the daily meeting to start.  I get to meet my own crew, as well as chat with the crew currently working there.  So great!  I'm hoping that by the time I go, I will know everything there is to know about living there.  Or, at least know how to use skype ;)  Michael made me get on Twitter.  I still have no idea how it works.  My Disney buddy, Keith, is trying to educate the old lady.  He is so patient, I love him.

This is going to be an amazing adventure and a wonderful test of how far I have come and where I need to go from here.  People talk about it being a life changing experience - no doubt.  I am fascinated to see in what ways.

Other stuff have gone on since Jan that was significant, but I can't remember what it is right now.  Hee.

How'd that happen? Feb already. 5 years past catastrophe!

12/27/05 ER to ICU, 1/3/06 transfer to UCLA, 1/5/06 8 hours of brain surgery,  1/15/06 released from hospital.  What a year.  So glad to have it behind me.  Jim choses to post pictures on facebook each day from 5 years ago.  It creeped many people out, it made others ask if I was in the hospital...so unnecessary.  No one needs to relive that time, nor its images, least of all me.  I remember it well, it is a part of my life forever.  I prefer to focus on the present and what I am doing now.  There hasn't been a lot going on since my little road trip in December. 

I did my usual Drew Day trip to Disneyland in Jan.  I didn't run into the crowd from the North.  Just as well, I hear it was a weird day with weird things going on.  They didn't need any more weirdness from people ignoring each other. I spent the day with a HS friend, getting birthday wishes for Drew from passers by. 

There was another Dis trip later in the month with a recently relocated friend and running into other friends.  The combo of all the people I ran into was near disastrous, but we muddled through.  Were it not for my ability to say, "Look, my friends are pretty much done with you, you need to go away now," things would have been much worse.  One of my Dis pals is a younger woman who needs training - someone to look up to and learn from.  My other Dis pals do not have the patience for her, or her 2 year old.  It is a challenge (and she knows it).  My pass expired on 1/29, so I have not been for a while.

 I took a shorter road trip to SLO for a weekend to visit friends and share my broody malys.  Good times.  There is a big Disneyland party planned for the end of Feb where all of them are coming down for a birthday weekend (and I will get to renew my pass).  Disney removed the requirement of puttig $70 down before making monthly payments, so no roadblocks :)  Biding my time...getting sketchy from not going.  Only a couple more weeks.  Our plans include dinners at Napa Rose and Blue Bayou.  Finding the cash to pay for those will be challenging to say the least.  I hope to get in a lot more cash work before then.  I keep depositing the cash to our joint account.  I am going to have to start stashing it away in prep for Dis.

There is an ale in April.  I have committed to going, but have no idea how I will pay for it.  Such is the life of one who makes less than $25,000/yr.  Ugh.  I keep trying to push more money over to the joint account, but $1500 doesn't go far. $305 medicare supplimental plan, $112 car insurance, $139-148 min payment Visa card, $25 life insurance...$1200 goes to the joint account.  Forget about the dentist, the eye doctor, and contact lenses.  The Federal Government has some really screwy ideas about how much we need in order to live.  I don't even dye my hair, or get manicures, or wax, or...if I had been that kind of person before, I would not be now.  I used to make enough on eBay to help me get by.  Sales there have been grim for a couple of years.  No one is buying anything.  I've got a variety of stuff up for auction, only because of the latest sellers fee deals.  I think it cost me a couple of bucks to list 30 items the other day.  The regular prices would have cost me near $50, which I just can't afford without bidders.

Money isn't everything, but it sure can make life a bit less stressful.  Jim and I need a new bed, yesterday.  We're not sleeping, waking up sore, tossing and turning...not good for either of us.  We still have a roo leak we need to get looked at, and it's a miracle we still have running water, our plumbing is so bad off.  We need to refi, but can't because Jim just put $47,000 worth of credit cards toward the family business which his father and new wife have drained dry.  His father is making the credit card payments, plus interest, and supposedly giving us $250 on top of that because we can't refi to get a lower mortgage payment.  It's bullshit.  His father needs to get his own loan, pay us back immediately, then keep his hands out of the till.  Jim's credit rating is going to tank with all og that oustanding credit (one card has already been paid late), and we will never be able to qualify for credit anywhere.  My credit was trashed by Little Company of Mary when I couldn't make my $350 copays for each MRI (1 every 3 months for 3 years).  I had written them several times asking about their financial assistance program - instead of an appication to the program, I received a collection letter.  Hey, thanks!  I had another $100+ bill from them recently because Medicare doesn't believe in any cancer screenings for women other than mamograms.  This time LCM sent me the assistance appication.  I sent it in, they sent me notice that they needed one more document, I mailed that and haven't heard anything.  Hopefully that's good news.  I can't work enough hours to pay for all this shite at $9/hr.  Cancer has left me with a hole in my head and in my wallet.  Yet, there are only 3 or 4 people in the world of serious illness who are willing to bring the poverty issue to the forefront.  This is a serious problem facing anyone who survives any kind of serious accident or illness.  More people need to be aware, and the system needs to change.  Who can live on $1500/mo in Souhern California?  And most people on Disability make $1000 or less.  I am one of the luckier ones at $1500. Ya - I feel lucky...

I have been given another opportunity to help a woman with brain cancer and her husband.  You know those people on facebook that you have 35 or more friends in common with?  One of those's wife was recently diagnosed, so another friend of mine in the faire community hooked us up.  Most of my books are on loan to my sis-in-law's family (diagnosed with a GBM right before Thanksgiving), but I sent a list of what they were.  Doctors are so limited.  They throw around their stats (6-18 month survival rate for GBM's) without thinking.  I knew someone who had a GBM for 7 years with no growth.  Take your 6-18 months and shove it!  Most people, including doctors don't have that kind of resource. they don't know it's possible because they've never seen it.  I have seen it.  Though my tumor was a much lower grade, it could have responded a number of ways.  It's gone now and I think that befuddled some of my doctors.  They started calling me a super star, I think just because no one had ever told them what to do until I came along.  No, I will not be treated with radiation.  Yes, you will be giving me chemo now.  No, I am not going to take that drug anymore.  I will only take this much of that drug...super star pain in their ass...

1/23/11 Jim and I celebrated our 19th anniversary, only he had the flu for weeks and we couldn't go anywhere.  Last night we went to Blue Water Grill for dinner on the water.  It was lovely, great food, amazing wine, and nice to get out together.  Next year, for our 20th, I think we should cash in some Amex points and go to 'Cot!  Another 5 year anniversary - of having not been there...:(

Another novel.  My book is coming along nicely. ;P  It's a beautiful shiny new year - what are you going to do with yours?

 

On December 2nd I embarked on a road trip of 11 days alone. I drove to San Luis Obispo and spent the night with old and dear friends. We went out for sushi, then to see Margaret Cho. Fun night. Next day drove to Alameda to stay with more friends, then off to Dickens Faire Sat, stayed in a hotel across from the faire site Sat night, Faire Sunday, then drove to Santa Rosa in the pouring rain and went to see Tangled with the family. 5 minutes before the end of the movie, the power went out and they had to evacuate us and hand out vouchers to come back and finish the movie. I  drove into Napa Monday morning for the funeral of a dear friend's father. Jim and I had attended this friend's mother's funeral in 2001. I was glad to have the opportunity to be there. I would have driven up for it anyway, but it was very nice to already be in the area. On my drive back to Santa Rosa, my Droid was acting up, turning off intermittently while I was trying to use the GPS. It took me up to St Helena and onto a back road called Spring Mountain, which eventually turned into a one lane dirt road in the middle of nowhere. I managed to keep my wits about me, and made it "home" in time to pick up Tangled about where I had left off the night before. One of the kids got scared at one point and ended up curled up in my lap.  Very cute. My friend's kids are great and I'm glad I will never have my own to deal with. Rain, rain, and more rain. Heather and I ran into Healdsburg for some local wine tasting. Some impressive stuff, but I still prefer my Napa just because it's "home" to me.  I had planned to run into Napa with a couple of friends, but they both had shit happen and were unable to join me. Instead of going there alone in the rain, I opted for hanging around and resting since I had done NONE up to that point.  Took a nice walk in the rain, did a little shopping, had a little wine with cheese and crackers, watched a movie. Lovely day.  Thursday night I drove to Sebastopol to visit more friends and go out for sushi. After a nice visit, I drove on to Oakland in order to be closer to San Francisco where I needed to end up Friday afternoon.  Took muni and Bart to the SF airport to pick up BFF and back to other BFF's for wine and laughter. Dickens Faire Saturday. Sunday opted to skip faire in favor of trying to get all the way to Ventura that night to hang out and stay with an old friend from grade school.  Paused back in SLO to use my friend's bathroom as one of them had suggested - while there 2 other friends stopped by that I didn't get to see on my way up.  Made it to Ventura - really nice to catch up, and enjoyed dinner, drinks, and walking around downtown Ventura sans rain.  Beautiful day and beautiful drive.  Got up Monday morning after my friend went to work, drove home, changed, ate and picked up another friend to spend the rest of the day at Disneyland. Fortuitus that they closed at 6pm for a private party. I was not prepared for an all nighter.  Back home in time to unpack a few things and start laundry before crashing out. A wonderful, much needed vacation. Last year at this time, I would never have been able to keep that sort of pace, or handle that kind of trip.  I continue to improve daily. 12/27/10 - 5 years since my fateful trip to the ER and subsequent incarceration in ICU - I happened to have an appointment with my neurologist. When we were discussing the side effects I experience with every MRI I've ever had, and the research of new contrast materials, I told him that I was going to put myself on a yearly schedule for MRI's. He said, "I think you can go 2 years."  Who am I to argue?  I'd be perectly happy to never have another one.  They are a nuisance, and the gadolinium injection is obviously bad for me.  2 years is good, I'll take it for now.  A couple of those and I'm going to a five year plan.

So, now we are coming up to a bunch of 5 year anniversaries with the end of 2010 and the start of 2011.  I am truly blessed and enjoying every moment of life, of living, and of continuing to learn and grow and be the best me possible.  Though I am forever changed by cancer, I have left it behind me along with all things diseased and broken.

As I was catching up on Dexter the other night, he was explaining his past and how it affects his present and how certain activities make him feel...unbroken.  I had to laugh...he even used it in the right context with a dramatic pause.  I wonder which one of the writers had been reading my facebook page?

Fired 3 times - rehired twice. That means I'm out and none too soon.  Jim's dad's PA is emotionally unstable (as admitted by her boss and everyone who works with her or near her. She constantly tries to place the blame of one of the computers solely on me. The computer in question was a disaster even before I started working there - I have had to fix it myself many times. Someone who was not me downloaded a Microsoft Security Essentials fake. I was on the computer Tuesday, no problems. Someone else was on it all day Wednesday, no problems. Thursday morning it started behaving strangely, so the PA in all of her computer wisdom, ran the fake Microsoft Security Essentials, which then installed itself on that computer, shut down the real program, and listed a bunch of files as infected that were not.  Because one of the fake files it listed was an eBay jpeg, of course, I was again the scape goat.  Did I mention this was a FAKE security program that brought up FAKE information? Somehow that fact is being conveniently overlooked. I went in Thursday to try to help get the stupid thing running again and after an hour and a half, I knew I could no longer remain silent, so I prepared to leave. Right before I walked out, I suggested to Jim that they password protect all of the user names on that machine. Anyone could log on as anything and download crap. Mine is the only account with a password.  I told him the reason was because I'm sick of being blamed for everything that goes wrong on this machine. The PA tried to say that no one was blaming me - 2 faced bitch - you blame me every single time something goes wrong. Everyone has heard you do it.  As I was walking out I mentioned that I have run IT for 3 different companies, so I know what I'm doing. I'm sure my voice cracked because I was trying so fucking hard not to swear. As I was walking to my car, the PA came after me telling me not to take it personally - that it's a fight between James and his dad. I told her that they should stop putting me in the middle. When I got into my car, I realized that my sunglasses hadfallen off my purse somewhere. I ran back into the office, grabbed them and walked out again. As I passed through the warehouse door, the PA was walking back into the building by the same door. She looked at the ground as I passed and did not speak to me.

So, she calls her boss, tells him I broke the computer again by downloading a virus (lie), that I stormed out crying (lie), and that I came after her and had a "confrontation" with her (are you HIGH?) WTF? If any of that was true, I would not blame Jim's dad for being angry. However, since none of it did (as witnesses by others), wtf?  I elected not to attend the company picnic Saturday as I didn't feel that I could play nice - pretend that all was ok when clearly it was not. Everyone who mattered missed me - the brothers, their wives and kids, even the PA's husband. I'm sure the other 2 made up their own reasons for my absence that didnt involve anything they had done. One of the brother's thinks that this will all blow over and thing will go back. Over my dead body. I would not work there even if I was offered an apology and actually offered money for once.  I can't work where the whims of unstable people dictate which way the wind blows. I'm certainly not going to work next to a lying sack and pretend to get along for everone else's sake.  The state of things there has been an incredible mess since Jim's mother died 08/09, and even moreso in May when Jim's dad met a woman he proposed to in 9 days, then married in June.  Every new day brings some other catastrophe of his father's making. We are afraid to wake up in the morning to find out what the next travesty is.  As my neurologist would say, "You can't have that kind of stress in your life." He's so right. Last week I had a seizure on Wed. Thurs and Sat. 5 months of no seizures and these idiots gotta ruin my record. No more seizures after Sat's, but getting pounding in both ears, zapping up the nose, and sometimes can't taste anything and sound drunk. Makes working in the real work terribly fun.  King's is always finding me new and more things to do. Today I was able to hekp someone with his project even though he was not in the office.  Fortunately, there all I have to say is that it's a bad brain day, or I'm having brain issues and they understand the slurred speech. One f the other jobs is all computer work at home, and the third is for someone who also understands what's going on when I slur. I've tried upping the medication when this happens, but it seems to only make it worse. My body onky wants 400mg and nothing more or less than that will do. Bleh. So, now I am back t rearranging my schedule to work in the down time which will come from not being at JFC anymore. This means being even better at the 3 remaining jobs because I'll have the right amount of rest time.  It will also be easier to get out of town Friday mornings. I am visiting some friends in Santa Rosa on one of my Dickens Faire runs.

Gotta stop typing and rest. That got longer than I intended, but it was a crazy damned week.