I am not as tired as I thought I would be at this point. Jim has been doing really well and is completely motivated toward change. His father is taking him to breakfast most mornings, he is going in to work earlier each day, he is much happier and he is participating in lots of different meetings in the area. I have not had too do much planning beyond the first couple of days. I am thankful for his determination, for all the wonderful friends and family encouraging him on a daily basis, for everyone who has offered to spend time when he has nothing else going on...our lives are richer for knowing all of you. He is replacing the old ways with new ones, the old friends with new ones, and the old hang out spots with new ones. All new, all the time. I am proud of how focused he is. I hope to see him pick up his bass soon and start playing again.

I'm pretty sure that I am having more difficulty adjusting to this than Jim is. Our entire relationship (17 years on Jan 23rd) we have had our much needed alone time. This past 3-5 years I had really just been living my own life, much of it without him. Now I am supposed to be able to adapt and spend most of my time with him. Hmmm...not so much. I am trying, but it is second nature to me to want to be alone for extended periods of time. I grew up that way - reading books, listening to records, drawing pictures. Though I have never lived alone, I have spend a lot of time alone. It's not that I don't want to spend time with Jim, it's that I'm not used to it. I will adapt as I always do, and we will be better for it. Perhaps now you guys will see him at an event and not have to keep asking why he isn't there. Wouldn't that be nice! I would love to be dragging him to Dickens and Casa. He still has an aversion to driving up Friday and coming home Sunday, but perhaps with some persuasion. We are lucky to have such deep and meaningful relationships with wonderful, supportive people. Now that I have done my spring cleaning, I can better focus on and enjoy these relationships instead of getting bogged down trying to make bad relationships good..

We are happy to be spending Thanksgiving down in San Clemente with my family tomorrow. My nieces first Thanksgiving :) Happy I will get to see the grand nephews snd grand niece. The grand nephew has already taught his little sister how to say, "ARRRRR!" I swear, I had nothing to do with it. It makes me happy anyway.

Life is good and it's about to get even better. I am also thankful for my part-time job at King's. It is a lovely place to work and everyone is very kind. One of the kitchen staff who was shredding bread for tomorrow's stuffing went and got me a lemonade and gave me a roll. He doesn't know who I am or why I'm there - he was just being nice. Everyone in the kitchen moves out of my way when I walk through. I keep trying to move out of their way because they are doing the important stuff and I never win.

We hope that everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving, however they choose to spend it and is surrounded by loving family and friends as we are.

 

Jim got out of rehab yesterday. He really only went through the detox portion. I have become the social director - scheduling his every move. I told him that he is not going to like that. We both need our individual and alone time and we are not going to get that at home for a very long time. I will still be going out of town for Dickens Faire and such (have a lovely spa trip with a dear friend planned for NYE, boy, do I need it!). He will have to stay put and stick to the schedule. today he has a dr's appt at 11:AM. I have to leave before AM to take a friend to the doctor. Jim's father is going to come and pick him up round AM and take him to breakfast. And so will go his life for many weeks. We have not planned Friday and Saturday yet, but we are going to dinner tonight to plan them out. This is going to be a lot of work for all of us. But, that's what being in a committed relationship is all about - riding the storms, give and take, trading roles when necessary. Last night Jim and I went to dinner at one of our favorite dive Mexican joints where he normally orders a margarita. He said he didn't even feel like ordering one. I think that he convinced himself of that before he suggested we go. I hope that soon it will come from a place of habit and/or autopilot response rather than having to psyche himself up for it.

I know that he is going to carry the horrible experience of being in a rehab center with him for the rest of his life. I hope that plus therapy plus meetings will keep him on track. I hope that he can manage to remain on track without me continually dictating his schedule. I will tire very soon (like already - I'd love to be sleeping right now). I have faith that all of this will work out and he will be the person he once was - with varied interests, healthy, active and engaged with life.

 

Good grief. We have had so much "for worse" that you find yourself asking, "when does the 'for better' part begin. Jim has had an ongoing love/hate relationship with alcohol for many years. He has controlled it many times. Since his mother died he has been on a downward spiral. Sat 11/14, he checked himself into a rehab facility in San Pedro. This is a good thing, or it will be. Assuming I can keep things running ok at home, we will be better off on the other side of this. I still have a bit of trouble taking care of myself. Every time I find a balance and get everything scheduled in a way that works for my body, something happens to throw it off. I am trying to figure out how to juggle everything while adding in many other things that I'm not used to doing - the finances, visiting Jim at the preset really strange visiting hour/s, Helping Jim's Floor Covering out with paying the IRS and the EDD after the last payroll (that one I was used to doing prior to 2005, so it shouldn't be that difficult), and still trying to fit in a decent number of paid hours so I can take care of my own bills. All the while not getting any sleep.

It's interesting when you become a caregiver and suddenly everyone is in trouble. Been talking with Jim's best friend the past 2 days and his mother is in the hospital, likely to die any day now - cancer. Trying to support him while he tries to support me so we both get through our respective hell's in tact. Trying to keep each other "unbroken." I have another friend who has a broken foot and can't drive to her oncology appointment. Fortunately it falls on one of my least busy days. d'oh. I forgot I am supposed to work at King's Wed and Thurs this week. Now trying to decide how to fix that. I really need to work 2 days this week. Guess I'll call Adam tomorrow and ask if I can come in, then do corporate on Wed. Let the emails and calls fly. Trying to keep everyone informed is kinda crazy. I knew it would be since I saw Jim have to do the same with me.

If you aren't getting enough info, or have questions, just let me know. I will fit you in where I can. Please don't post this news to any yahoo group or anything - its' on a need to know basis and everyone signed up for notifications of this blog need to know, assuming no one strange has subscribed, or someone who shouldn't signed up with an alternate email address I don't know about.

Anywho - keep us in your thoughts..

Longest record yet of no seizures. The only reason it ended today was because of all the rides I went on at Knott's with my nieces and their friends. It was the Jim's Floor Covering annual picnic at Knott's. About 75 of us - family, extended family, all the installers, their wives, girlfriends, kids, grandkids. It was Sierra Sidewinder (directly after Ghost Rider) that finally did me in. Think Roger Rabbit cars on a coaster track only you have no control over the spin. Spun to hard into a turn once. Got off the ride and was looking at our pictures. Tongue started to feel weird, then started involuntarily moving back and forth, then the left side of the face went futher to the left. No drooling, that was a plus. No one noticed me holding my hand or my hoodie over my face. Rather unexpected as I have been on Goliath and X2 at Magic Mountain recently and never had any problems with either of them. The G forces in those are far greater than the rides I went on tonight. I knew better than to go on Xcelerator, but it was closed anyway.

And so we start again with counting days, not months. Ah, well. I was too busy living and having FUN to let it bother me. Now tired and have a headache - the usual residuals. My meds, a valium and pj's and I'll be fine.

I sometimes forget that this blog was created to update people about my health. My MRI last month was clear. My additional mammogram had some cysts on it, but they are water-filled and no danger to me (they removed one by sticking a needle in and drawing out the fluid). I got my CA-125 blood test today (yet another cancer screening), I get my CA-125 results Monday. I see an E N T Tuesday to confirm that I do not have cancer of the mouth. Would you people stop already? I am going to get cancer from all the stupid cancer screenings you keep sending me to. I do not have time for this, nor for cancer. It's gone, it's never coming back, get used to it.

Yes, I know. I am much too good to be putting more of my valuable tme and energy into this situation. However, being who I am, I would like to learn from this relationship and be able to move on without makng the same mistake again. I am realizing that I see the good in people. I oftentimes am attracted to their potential, which distracts me from who they are right here and right now. I see that I did that with a person who has no idea what his potential is, nor that he needs to find it. My bad. Clearly, this person will never heal from old wounds, and therefore never grow as a person. I feel better for having dumped this toxicity from my life. Am I sad? Of course I am. Even if it wasn't real, it meant a great deal to me. I now also see that I was being used to make him feel better about himself. The point where he started losing interest in me was the point where I started asking the hard questions about some of his other relationships. Questions like, "Did you tell him/her that?" the answer was always, "no." "How do you expect that person to know this if you have not told him/her.  No real answer - deflection, more comments about how the person is an idiot, etc... Should I have pushed him harder? Probably. Was I afraid he'd reject me if I did? Probably deep down. Was I still shocked when it came to pass? Defininitely. I thought that I was special and therefore immune to his toxic way of ending relationships. Even more so, I thought that he had learned from his mistakes and would not make them again. D'oh!

Now, as I watch his behavior with eyes opened, I see that I was really nothing to him but a means to an end. To appear to others as if he had his shit together. He is so obsessed with what others think that he is willing to destroy everything in order to have it. Those attempts seem more and more pathetic and desperate as others have called it. An email to MY Newcastle family gushing about how a party was such a good time and spent with "dear friends." Good thing everyone can see through him. Merely an attempt at damage control, trying to control the situation knowing that he is on thin ice with these people now that I am not there to defend him. What he doesn't know is that they do not like him and never have, but were being polite out of their love and respect for me. And when they gradually tell him what they really think, he will blame me and claim that I clouded their judgment with lies and dictate to them what HIS reality is. The comfy little world he has built for himself where he is always the hero, he is superior in every way to everyone else, and he is always right even when he is incorrect. Sad, shallow shell of a human being. Every action specifically planned out so as to make himself look better in other's eyes. So, yeah, that makes me sad, too. He still has all of the potential that I first saw, but will never reach it. I have heard him say this about others. I have heard that the thing that you despise most in others is often the thing that you despise most about yourself.

Enough. I am done putting time and energy into him. I find it amusing to watch his attempt at damage control because it is so over the top. Now putting my energy into myself, my role in the situation, the things that put me there, and how I can adjust to make sure I do not make the same mistake again, carefully evaluating my other relationships with this new information. On to reality - what the bottom line is and what really took place. I am sad that I cannot take him with me on that journey, but things and people don't always work out the way you want them to. I was blind, but now I see.

It is now perfectly clear to me that person #1 is the most damaged individual I have ever met. I have no problem getting this person out of my life. How I ever let him in is beyond me. How did I not know or overlook that this person is in sore need of professional help? I actually told him that once years ago - that is probably when he started to lose interest in me. It is the way he operates. Anyone who tries to help him by pointing out a behavior that needs correcting gets shunned, called names and otherwise cut off. I suppose this is the best thing he has ever done for me - it allowed me to see him clearly for the first time. Had I seen it the day we met, he never would have been allowed to be such a big part of my life. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I am confident that I can now make the right choices and again surround myself with people who are unbroken. And now that that is done, I am feeling a bit more unbroken myself :)

The previous saga is apparently still unfolding as person #1 did not receive my email letting him know when I was going to be in his presence and what my boundaries were. He was understandibly taken aback and confused by my behavior, but that fact does not change much about the situation.

This week I hope, was a lesson to everyone to listen to me cuz I know what I'm talking about. Last Monday I had a mammogram (which left me with bruises on the right side). Friday they called me to come back in so they could check out some spots that they did not like. Scheduled further tests for today. I didn't really tell anyone this was going on (except my mom, and a friend who has had breast cancer), cuz I was not worried about the outcome, only the pain of what undefined procedure they were going to assault me with. So, those who knew worried for me about the outcome. Cancer no longer exists in my world for me. I don't have it anymore, I will never have it again, anywhere in my body. Seriously. I will not. So, stop with the "routine" and paranoid testing already. After about 6 more images (squishing me to the point of bruises again) and an ultrasound, the doc asks "Would you mind if we just stick a needle in there and get rid of that water-filled cyst?" Mind, um, yes. But if it will stop the paranoid nonsense, sure. Holy cow! Long needle, goes in just under the right breast, right side, up into breast right behind the nipple, has to continue with the ultrasound in order to see where the needle is going..."It's a good sign that it hurts because usually benign cysts hurt and malignant ones tend not to." Yay, me. NOT! Crap, that hurts. Left chorale early cuz holding up my music was making it worse. At least we did the hard stuff first. Still struggling with Russian and with relearning Handel for another part. Though, Handel is pretty much 2nd nature for me. I don't have to think much about it.

Now that I am well, I really resent having to go to the doctor. I have a blood test to get this weekl, and I see the dentist next week. I still have not scheduled my UCLA visit which is supposed to be this month. It's not like they are doing anything for me but looking at my MRI's which I have done and bring to them. Kind of a waste of a whole day for us. The local neurologist also tracks my MRI's and I see him in 2 weeks. I may just save them the time and let them use it for other patients who need them.

Sometimes others are better able to express what you are feeling. This is one of those times. I will let 2 songs from my Pink Floyd Division Bell CD speak for me;

Coming back to life;
Where were you when I was lost and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to belive in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of time were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistable pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed staight into the shining sun

Keep Talking;
There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now (why won't you talk to me)
I can't seem to speak now (you never talk to me)
My words won't come out right (what are you thinking)
I feel like I'm drowning (what are you feeling)
I'm feeling weak now
But I can't show my weakness
I sometimes wonder
Where do we go from here
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS
ALL WE NED TO DO IS MAKE SURE WE KEEP TALKING
Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
What are you feeling
Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
What are you feeling
Where do we go from here
I feel like I'm drowning
You know I can't breathe now
We're going nowhere
We're going nowhere

Yes, I am STILL trying to repair a relationship that broke over 2 years ago. Why? I don't think I know anymore. Each time I try to open a dialogue I am met with inflexibility and/or silence. I have so many people in my life who treat me with so much more respect. They are encouraging me to let this person go and enjoy more recent friendships that are far more mature and enjoyable. My head knows they are right. My heart aches. I'm not sure I can do this until the head and heart sync up. I am trying. It is more than difficult. I had a lot of hand holding this weekend with a newer friend that I did not expect to be there. Without his help, I would certainly have had a meltdown before the weekend ended. He did not try to push me one way or another, he was just there to listen, and comfort me. After an entire weekend of being a few feet away, I am still met with silence. WTF am I doing here? Why am I trying so hard? We're going nowhere. Perhaps there need to be Advance Directives for relationships, so that one person will not go to extreme heroic measures to salvage something that is beyond broken. Today I am not unbroken. Tomorrow I will try to get back to that state.

I have a friend who is having brain surgery tomorrow. Though I know that he will be fine, there is that anxiety about someone going through something so traumatic. I spoke with him at length last night. He is pretty calm and matter of fact. He has a diffuse Astocytoma, grade II, but in the midst of that is a small spot that is lighting up solid and seems to be growing - they don't know what type it is. He has opted to have it removed while it is still small enough to do so. The diffuse tumor is inperable, he has been treated with oral chemo and natural methods - it is still there, but not growing. We both think that if the solid mass is removed, his body can focus more on fightng the diffuse tumor. He was very glad that I called. Even though we do not have the same type of tumor, he appreciates talking to people who have survived surgery and been "fine." Another of our friends has a gliobastoma (same as Ted Kennedy) and has been fighting it for 7 years now. He has to start a different chemo soon because the Avastin has stopped working. He is now enrolled in a clinical study at UCLA and I am confident that they will fnd something that works for him. He is, too - probably why he's still here fighting. Still more "newer" friends that love and respect me now, enjoy seeing me, talking with me and don't give a rat's ass who I was before cancer. It is refreshing interacting with people who love and accept me now and who never knew me until after my trauma.

As I am working more and being given more projects and more difficult tasks, I am finding that part of my brain which made me so good at business operations is back with a vengeance. YAY. It is related to autopilot, but is more of a sub routine that runs in the back of my brain while I am using it for other tasks - kind of the way you breathe without really having to be aware of it. Being a clerical temp, I am often given a small piece of the larger puzzle to work on. Then when I finish that, I am given another piece - usually of the same puzzle. So, by the end of the day I have finally figured out what the picture on the puzzle is and what the end result is supposed to be. My brain then takes all the puzzle pieces, sorts them out by order in which they need to be done, looks at the whole thing and says, "What pieces can I get rid of and still get the same end result?" So, the next time I am asked to do the same task, I am better, stronger, faster at it without really having consciously thinking about it. So very glad this is back - it will take me far much as it did the first time around. Probably not as far, but at least forward. Still moving forward it good, even if I don't hit the same line I used to. It's all about the new normal.

Our friend Michael was at Valerie's memorial service. As I was driving him back to his car he asked me to reach into the door and grab a CD. His 2nd CD is finally out and it's called "Unbroken." Wonder where he got that term? He did tell me a while back that he might have to steal it. Could not have been stolen for a better cause - I love his music. We were talking one day about things that make us happy - we had a lot in common. I mentioned that some things make me feel unbroken; not just repaired or healed, but brand new as if I was never damaged in the first place. He has experienced the same thing, but didn't have a word for it, so uses mine now. :) Can't wait to get my copy! HINT! And he used all "green" products to produce it - recycled cardboard covers, etc.. Good boy!