No one will ever "get" how the "simple" things in life are so very not simple for me, or therefore comprehend what a miracle it is that I can work part-time outside of the family business. I would love to explain it, but really can't find the words and even if I found words, you would still not fully understand. It is just something you have to experience for yourself (hopefully not) in order to understand.

As I was working today I kept hitting the wall...being too exhausted to keep paying attention, yet knowing that I had to in order to finish the project sucessfully. I kept pushing and pushing, then finally got to a point where I "had" to finish the project no matter what. I hate leaving things undone. Not spending the extra 10 minutes to finish up so that the next person to take over the project has to spend an hour trying to figure out where to start up again. So, once I got to that point, I was ok - in that I knew I could get to the end, not that I felt ok. The frustrating part for me aside from the shear exhaustion, is that this is stuff I could do in my sleep when I was 18. I could have done it for 10-12 hours at a stretch. Now just 2 is mind boggling. It's not that the skills are not there or are hidden somewhere. It's that in order to use the skills I have to expend more energy than I would if I was simply playing soccer on a field somewhere. Yes, it's brain power, but no one understands how much physical energy it takes to fuel that brain power. The fatigue I still experience on a daily basis which keeps me from running errands, grocery shopping when I need to, etc...ugh. And that was without trying to work.  Sitting there miserably over tired, yet needing to find the strength to conitnue - the thought ran through my head that I could just let them know I wasn't feeling well and go home. Hell, when they called me at the Restaurant to see if I could go to Corporate after I was finished, I could have just said, "no." But I am not into giving up or taking the easy way out. I said, "yes," and damnit I was going to make it happen. So I did. And now I suffer. As if the heat was not bad enough all on it's own. I managed to finish work, drop some costume stuff off for a friend, then go by the pet store for rat food. Now trying to rest before I have to take Bunny Blue to the vet to get her stitches out. Have no idea how I am going to catch her and get her into her crate as the house is being cleaned and I can't let her into the house yet. I don't have the energy to chase her down, and can't grab her because of her stitches. Ugh. I will think about that in 30 minutes. For now I have to focus on what I have already accomplished today and the miracle of how I was able to make it happen.I am working because I want to work, not because it is easy. I don't want to sit around and assume that I can't ever work again, or be compeltely dependent on social security for the rest of my life.

Honestly, if you could spend 24 hours inside my head trying to use my brain for what you do on a daily basis...you would kiss the ground once you got out. It's hell in here.