I sometimes forget that this blog was created to update people about my health. My MRI last month was clear. My additional mammogram had some cysts on it, but they are water-filled and no danger to me (they removed one by sticking a needle in and drawing out the fluid). I got my CA-125 blood test today (yet another cancer screening), I get my CA-125 results Monday. I see an E N T Tuesday to confirm that I do not have cancer of the mouth. Would you people stop already? I am going to get cancer from all the stupid cancer screenings you keep sending me to. I do not have time for this, nor for cancer. It's gone, it's never coming back, get used to it.

Yes, I know. I am much too good to be putting more of my valuable tme and energy into this situation. However, being who I am, I would like to learn from this relationship and be able to move on without makng the same mistake again. I am realizing that I see the good in people. I oftentimes am attracted to their potential, which distracts me from who they are right here and right now. I see that I did that with a person who has no idea what his potential is, nor that he needs to find it. My bad. Clearly, this person will never heal from old wounds, and therefore never grow as a person. I feel better for having dumped this toxicity from my life. Am I sad? Of course I am. Even if it wasn't real, it meant a great deal to me. I now also see that I was being used to make him feel better about himself. The point where he started losing interest in me was the point where I started asking the hard questions about some of his other relationships. Questions like, "Did you tell him/her that?" the answer was always, "no." "How do you expect that person to know this if you have not told him/her.  No real answer - deflection, more comments about how the person is an idiot, etc... Should I have pushed him harder? Probably. Was I afraid he'd reject me if I did? Probably deep down. Was I still shocked when it came to pass? Defininitely. I thought that I was special and therefore immune to his toxic way of ending relationships. Even more so, I thought that he had learned from his mistakes and would not make them again. D'oh!

Now, as I watch his behavior with eyes opened, I see that I was really nothing to him but a means to an end. To appear to others as if he had his shit together. He is so obsessed with what others think that he is willing to destroy everything in order to have it. Those attempts seem more and more pathetic and desperate as others have called it. An email to MY Newcastle family gushing about how a party was such a good time and spent with "dear friends." Good thing everyone can see through him. Merely an attempt at damage control, trying to control the situation knowing that he is on thin ice with these people now that I am not there to defend him. What he doesn't know is that they do not like him and never have, but were being polite out of their love and respect for me. And when they gradually tell him what they really think, he will blame me and claim that I clouded their judgment with lies and dictate to them what HIS reality is. The comfy little world he has built for himself where he is always the hero, he is superior in every way to everyone else, and he is always right even when he is incorrect. Sad, shallow shell of a human being. Every action specifically planned out so as to make himself look better in other's eyes. So, yeah, that makes me sad, too. He still has all of the potential that I first saw, but will never reach it. I have heard him say this about others. I have heard that the thing that you despise most in others is often the thing that you despise most about yourself.

Enough. I am done putting time and energy into him. I find it amusing to watch his attempt at damage control because it is so over the top. Now putting my energy into myself, my role in the situation, the things that put me there, and how I can adjust to make sure I do not make the same mistake again, carefully evaluating my other relationships with this new information. On to reality - what the bottom line is and what really took place. I am sad that I cannot take him with me on that journey, but things and people don't always work out the way you want them to. I was blind, but now I see.

It is now perfectly clear to me that person #1 is the most damaged individual I have ever met. I have no problem getting this person out of my life. How I ever let him in is beyond me. How did I not know or overlook that this person is in sore need of professional help? I actually told him that once years ago - that is probably when he started to lose interest in me. It is the way he operates. Anyone who tries to help him by pointing out a behavior that needs correcting gets shunned, called names and otherwise cut off. I suppose this is the best thing he has ever done for me - it allowed me to see him clearly for the first time. Had I seen it the day we met, he never would have been allowed to be such a big part of my life. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I am confident that I can now make the right choices and again surround myself with people who are unbroken. And now that that is done, I am feeling a bit more unbroken myself :)

The previous saga is apparently still unfolding as person #1 did not receive my email letting him know when I was going to be in his presence and what my boundaries were. He was understandibly taken aback and confused by my behavior, but that fact does not change much about the situation.

This week I hope, was a lesson to everyone to listen to me cuz I know what I'm talking about. Last Monday I had a mammogram (which left me with bruises on the right side). Friday they called me to come back in so they could check out some spots that they did not like. Scheduled further tests for today. I didn't really tell anyone this was going on (except my mom, and a friend who has had breast cancer), cuz I was not worried about the outcome, only the pain of what undefined procedure they were going to assault me with. So, those who knew worried for me about the outcome. Cancer no longer exists in my world for me. I don't have it anymore, I will never have it again, anywhere in my body. Seriously. I will not. So, stop with the "routine" and paranoid testing already. After about 6 more images (squishing me to the point of bruises again) and an ultrasound, the doc asks "Would you mind if we just stick a needle in there and get rid of that water-filled cyst?" Mind, um, yes. But if it will stop the paranoid nonsense, sure. Holy cow! Long needle, goes in just under the right breast, right side, up into breast right behind the nipple, has to continue with the ultrasound in order to see where the needle is going..."It's a good sign that it hurts because usually benign cysts hurt and malignant ones tend not to." Yay, me. NOT! Crap, that hurts. Left chorale early cuz holding up my music was making it worse. At least we did the hard stuff first. Still struggling with Russian and with relearning Handel for another part. Though, Handel is pretty much 2nd nature for me. I don't have to think much about it.

Now that I am well, I really resent having to go to the doctor. I have a blood test to get this weekl, and I see the dentist next week. I still have not scheduled my UCLA visit which is supposed to be this month. It's not like they are doing anything for me but looking at my MRI's which I have done and bring to them. Kind of a waste of a whole day for us. The local neurologist also tracks my MRI's and I see him in 2 weeks. I may just save them the time and let them use it for other patients who need them.

Sometimes others are better able to express what you are feeling. This is one of those times. I will let 2 songs from my Pink Floyd Division Bell CD speak for me;

Coming back to life;
Where were you when I was lost and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to belive in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of time were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistable pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed staight into the shining sun

Keep Talking;
There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now (why won't you talk to me)
I can't seem to speak now (you never talk to me)
My words won't come out right (what are you thinking)
I feel like I'm drowning (what are you feeling)
I'm feeling weak now
But I can't show my weakness
I sometimes wonder
Where do we go from here
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS
ALL WE NED TO DO IS MAKE SURE WE KEEP TALKING
Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
What are you feeling
Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
What are you feeling
Where do we go from here
I feel like I'm drowning
You know I can't breathe now
We're going nowhere
We're going nowhere

Yes, I am STILL trying to repair a relationship that broke over 2 years ago. Why? I don't think I know anymore. Each time I try to open a dialogue I am met with inflexibility and/or silence. I have so many people in my life who treat me with so much more respect. They are encouraging me to let this person go and enjoy more recent friendships that are far more mature and enjoyable. My head knows they are right. My heart aches. I'm not sure I can do this until the head and heart sync up. I am trying. It is more than difficult. I had a lot of hand holding this weekend with a newer friend that I did not expect to be there. Without his help, I would certainly have had a meltdown before the weekend ended. He did not try to push me one way or another, he was just there to listen, and comfort me. After an entire weekend of being a few feet away, I am still met with silence. WTF am I doing here? Why am I trying so hard? We're going nowhere. Perhaps there need to be Advance Directives for relationships, so that one person will not go to extreme heroic measures to salvage something that is beyond broken. Today I am not unbroken. Tomorrow I will try to get back to that state.

I have a friend who is having brain surgery tomorrow. Though I know that he will be fine, there is that anxiety about someone going through something so traumatic. I spoke with him at length last night. He is pretty calm and matter of fact. He has a diffuse Astocytoma, grade II, but in the midst of that is a small spot that is lighting up solid and seems to be growing - they don't know what type it is. He has opted to have it removed while it is still small enough to do so. The diffuse tumor is inperable, he has been treated with oral chemo and natural methods - it is still there, but not growing. We both think that if the solid mass is removed, his body can focus more on fightng the diffuse tumor. He was very glad that I called. Even though we do not have the same type of tumor, he appreciates talking to people who have survived surgery and been "fine." Another of our friends has a gliobastoma (same as Ted Kennedy) and has been fighting it for 7 years now. He has to start a different chemo soon because the Avastin has stopped working. He is now enrolled in a clinical study at UCLA and I am confident that they will fnd something that works for him. He is, too - probably why he's still here fighting. Still more "newer" friends that love and respect me now, enjoy seeing me, talking with me and don't give a rat's ass who I was before cancer. It is refreshing interacting with people who love and accept me now and who never knew me until after my trauma.

As I am working more and being given more projects and more difficult tasks, I am finding that part of my brain which made me so good at business operations is back with a vengeance. YAY. It is related to autopilot, but is more of a sub routine that runs in the back of my brain while I am using it for other tasks - kind of the way you breathe without really having to be aware of it. Being a clerical temp, I am often given a small piece of the larger puzzle to work on. Then when I finish that, I am given another piece - usually of the same puzzle. So, by the end of the day I have finally figured out what the picture on the puzzle is and what the end result is supposed to be. My brain then takes all the puzzle pieces, sorts them out by order in which they need to be done, looks at the whole thing and says, "What pieces can I get rid of and still get the same end result?" So, the next time I am asked to do the same task, I am better, stronger, faster at it without really having consciously thinking about it. So very glad this is back - it will take me far much as it did the first time around. Probably not as far, but at least forward. Still moving forward it good, even if I don't hit the same line I used to. It's all about the new normal.

Our friend Michael was at Valerie's memorial service. As I was driving him back to his car he asked me to reach into the door and grab a CD. His 2nd CD is finally out and it's called "Unbroken." Wonder where he got that term? He did tell me a while back that he might have to steal it. Could not have been stolen for a better cause - I love his music. We were talking one day about things that make us happy - we had a lot in common. I mentioned that some things make me feel unbroken; not just repaired or healed, but brand new as if I was never damaged in the first place. He has experienced the same thing, but didn't have a word for it, so uses mine now. :) Can't wait to get my copy! HINT! And he used all "green" products to produce it - recycled cardboard covers, etc.. Good boy!

No one will ever "get" how the "simple" things in life are so very not simple for me, or therefore comprehend what a miracle it is that I can work part-time outside of the family business. I would love to explain it, but really can't find the words and even if I found words, you would still not fully understand. It is just something you have to experience for yourself (hopefully not) in order to understand.

As I was working today I kept hitting the wall...being too exhausted to keep paying attention, yet knowing that I had to in order to finish the project sucessfully. I kept pushing and pushing, then finally got to a point where I "had" to finish the project no matter what. I hate leaving things undone. Not spending the extra 10 minutes to finish up so that the next person to take over the project has to spend an hour trying to figure out where to start up again. So, once I got to that point, I was ok - in that I knew I could get to the end, not that I felt ok. The frustrating part for me aside from the shear exhaustion, is that this is stuff I could do in my sleep when I was 18. I could have done it for 10-12 hours at a stretch. Now just 2 is mind boggling. It's not that the skills are not there or are hidden somewhere. It's that in order to use the skills I have to expend more energy than I would if I was simply playing soccer on a field somewhere. Yes, it's brain power, but no one understands how much physical energy it takes to fuel that brain power. The fatigue I still experience on a daily basis which keeps me from running errands, grocery shopping when I need to, etc...ugh. And that was without trying to work.  Sitting there miserably over tired, yet needing to find the strength to conitnue - the thought ran through my head that I could just let them know I wasn't feeling well and go home. Hell, when they called me at the Restaurant to see if I could go to Corporate after I was finished, I could have just said, "no." But I am not into giving up or taking the easy way out. I said, "yes," and damnit I was going to make it happen. So I did. And now I suffer. As if the heat was not bad enough all on it's own. I managed to finish work, drop some costume stuff off for a friend, then go by the pet store for rat food. Now trying to rest before I have to take Bunny Blue to the vet to get her stitches out. Have no idea how I am going to catch her and get her into her crate as the house is being cleaned and I can't let her into the house yet. I don't have the energy to chase her down, and can't grab her because of her stitches. Ugh. I will think about that in 30 minutes. For now I have to focus on what I have already accomplished today and the miracle of how I was able to make it happen.I am working because I want to work, not because it is easy. I don't want to sit around and assume that I can't ever work again, or be compeltely dependent on social security for the rest of my life.

Honestly, if you could spend 24 hours inside my head trying to use my brain for what you do on a daily basis...you would kiss the ground once you got out. It's hell in here.

Don't even know what to call this entry. In this case, no news has been bad news and I just haven't been able to bring myself to write. It's not bad news about me, I'm fine. Jim's mother had been in the hospital for around 3 weeks. Twice they told us we might lose her. We finally did on Friday, August 14th around 6:30am. We and many friends spent all day Thursday with her. By then she was intubated and largley unresponsive except for an occassional hand squeeze and sudden moments of looking you straight in the eyes. The rest of Jim's brothers, sister-in-laws and kids took Dad home after he said, "Why are we all still here? I just want to go home." and left Jim and I there to deal with the fallout. Apparently there is some State Law forbidding the hospital to release the body to the mortuary until the family has spoken with someone about organ donation. Since Valerie died of some massive infection (started with staph in the right leg), no organs, tissue or bone marrow would have been viable (not that she or the family wanted this anyway). After 4 hours and dozens of phone calls made by at least 4 people, we finally got the release and were able to leave the hospital after Valerie's body was safely in the mortuary truck. We then joined the family at the parent's house along with very close friends. The grandkids had been graciously taken off with a sister-in-laws brother and wife. After we had all had time to start processing what had happened, it was time to bring the grandkids back and break the news to them. The boy, Conner was taken off to another room with his mom and dad. The 2 girls, Jacqueline and Nichole were taken off to the backyard with their parents. A few minutes later the 2 girls came into the kitchen sobbing, Jac moreso than Nic. We hugged both of them and Jim held Jac while they both sobbed. That was the first time Jim had really broken down all day. We found ourselves randomly breaking down whenever we were alone in another room. This was so unexpected that everyone was still in shock. Since then they have all seemed to go into planning mode for Valerie's memorial service. The girls and their parents stayed with Dad all weekend and are due to go home today. There are pictures strewn all over the house right now. I hope they put them away before they leave. Leaving Dad in the house alone with those all around him might be too much for him right now. He and Valerie celebrated their 50th anniversay last year and they had lived in that house together since 1974. So, we are all still adjusting and trying to support each other in our grief. You know how boys are with their mommies - Jim is 10 times that with Valerie.

Jac and her dad, David have decided that their bunny Rocky needed a better home. Rocky lives in a hutch outside. He gets taken out often, but he can't run around in the backyard because it's not bunny proof and they have coyotes. Rocky and Blue met in Grandpa's backyard and seemed ok with each other. Both were playing hard to get at the same time. We figured this was a good sign and took Rocky home last night. Once in Blue's house, Blue started to get weird. My house, my kitchen, my yard. By morning she had him cowering in the corner. I was hoping he would not be a door mat for life. Now that they are outside, Rocky is trying to make babies with the wrong end of Blue and she is running away. He is starting to take control and get the upper hand. Thursday we will get him examined, hopefully deflea'd and set up an appointment to get him neutered. This will not keep him from getting the upper hand, but will assist in trying to get him litter box trained more quickly. He left little presents on the floor for us all night.

Needless to say, I stayed home from the Ale in Santa Cruz this weekend to help take care of things and people (an apparently animals, too). That gave me the opportunity to attend a small party with people I went to elementary and jr. high school with. Much needed fun time. As each person walked through the door, everyone recognized him or her. We all basically look the same, only older, bigger and with less hair. We all decided that we needed to do this more often and made a list of people we need to find. Facebook has been great for getting us all in touch with one another. Otherwise, I can't stand it. I have been ignoring all of the application requests as I do not have time for such things.

I am having one of those weeks wherein I despise the changes that have gone on in my life since 2005. The good ones are good - having a real job, driving my cruiser, camping, etc... I did Pier Daze last weekend in Belmont Shore with the pirates. Had a great time, slept to the sound of waves crashing on the beach, got some sun. But, because I did that, I had to skip the Marsh on Tuesday because I knew if I didn't I would be too tired to work Wednesday at my real job. This is the change I hate. That it takes me a week to do things that used to take me a day. That I have to exchange one activity for another due to my fatigue level, that I can't make enough money to support my more fun activities because I can't work that many hours in a week. Hate that. The weekend before was wonderful. I took a five day camping trip with several friends. Got to spend 3 of those days with Cabin Boy. Lovely. But now he is going to be scare for a several weeks due to his work load. Sigh.

So I go in to the Marsh this morning and as always first thing say "hi" to Dot. She was sitting inside her strawberry house as she has been lately - she seems to have given up on running in circles and she's been looking very aged lately. So she was fine at 10am as I'm going about my business. A few minutes later Beth looks in Dot's cage and she's laying sideways in the middle of the tank. Beth picks her up and she seemed to be barely alive for a second, then her pink eyes went dark. Sad. We will miss the little circle mouse with the dot. We buried her in the garden under the groundskeeper's window. We had been expecting this day to come soon, but that didn't soften the blow. She had a long full life for a feeder mouse with a neurological disorder and she was loved by many. RIP litte Dot.

Something has taken over my computer and decided that AOL is my default search engine...No, no and no! Then I go to blogdrive to blog and it's acting up on me. I lose the first paragraph and start again. ARGH. Change is BAD sometimes. I just have days/weeks of it hitting me in the face suddenly and there is nothing I can do about it but let myself be bummed out for a few days. Sigh. I will be better soon. I am going to see Star Trek again this afternoon. This weekend I am working the 4th of July celebration at Wilson Park Sat, Sunday going to see Fellowship, the Musical with some Middle Earth friends. Perhaps that will snap me out of my funk.

Was at the Animal Disaster Team meeting tonight and in pondering my week realized it was all about animals. Last Tuesday I took a bunny home that was rescued off the Marsh. Some stupid human dumped it there. We have a fox out there right now, so it wouldn't have lasted long. Come to find out, it was female which means that Blue wants nothing to do with her and would prefer her dead. I had to keep Hazel the Rescue Bunny in the bathroom and Blue either outside or in the rest of the house to keep them from tearing at each other. After I got Hazel spayed on Thursday (thanks to a dear friend who also rescues furry things who volunteered to pay for surgery), I took her back to the nature center to be housed safely until she could be adopted. She was adopted that morning and went to her new home on Sunday. Such a sweet bunny, though aggressive and biting because that's what they do when they become 6 months old and aren't fixed. Stupid humans. She will make an excellent pet and become a lap bunny in the right hands. One of the volunteers at the Marsh adopted her, though he works on different days than I do, I will see him now and then. I also gave him my cell phone number in case he had any questions or issues with her.

Today while I was at the Marsh I was speaking with a woman from the local community college on my cell phone. The Life Sciences Dept has 4 snakes and 2 of them bite so she can't get into the cages to clean them. She has never handled snakes and is not sure how it's done (probably why 2 of them bite - once they know they can intimidate you, they will continue to do so). Anywho...she is going to come to the Marsh to practice with Scooby and Sheba until she feels confident so she can go handle the others (King Snake, Corn Snake, Gopher Snake and Rosey Boa). Yet another volunteer thing, but it is rewarding to use what I have learned in my lifetime whether I am paid for it or not. And when it involves education, it's even better.

We anticipate there will be further bunny dumps on the Marsh as there is every year 3-6 months after Easter when the chilren's presents becomes a nuisance. If people tried to do that with their children, they would go to jail. Why is a pet so much less important? Before you take in a pet, learn about how to properly take care of it. Learn about it's behaviors, what it needs to eat, where it needs to live...it's really not that difficult. We all have access to the internet in some form.