Sometimes others are better able to express what you are feeling. This is one of those times. I will let 2 songs from my Pink Floyd Division Bell CD speak for me;

Coming back to life;
Where were you when I was lost and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to belive in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of time were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistable pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed staight into the shining sun

Keep Talking;
There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now (why won't you talk to me)
I can't seem to speak now (you never talk to me)
My words won't come out right (what are you thinking)
I feel like I'm drowning (what are you feeling)
I'm feeling weak now
But I can't show my weakness
I sometimes wonder
Where do we go from here
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS
ALL WE NED TO DO IS MAKE SURE WE KEEP TALKING
Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
What are you feeling
Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
What are you feeling
Where do we go from here
I feel like I'm drowning
You know I can't breathe now
We're going nowhere
We're going nowhere

Yes, I am STILL trying to repair a relationship that broke over 2 years ago. Why? I don't think I know anymore. Each time I try to open a dialogue I am met with inflexibility and/or silence. I have so many people in my life who treat me with so much more respect. They are encouraging me to let this person go and enjoy more recent friendships that are far more mature and enjoyable. My head knows they are right. My heart aches. I'm not sure I can do this until the head and heart sync up. I am trying. It is more than difficult. I had a lot of hand holding this weekend with a newer friend that I did not expect to be there. Without his help, I would certainly have had a meltdown before the weekend ended. He did not try to push me one way or another, he was just there to listen, and comfort me. After an entire weekend of being a few feet away, I am still met with silence. WTF am I doing here? Why am I trying so hard? We're going nowhere. Perhaps there need to be Advance Directives for relationships, so that one person will not go to extreme heroic measures to salvage something that is beyond broken. Today I am not unbroken. Tomorrow I will try to get back to that state.

I have a friend who is having brain surgery tomorrow. Though I know that he will be fine, there is that anxiety about someone going through something so traumatic. I spoke with him at length last night. He is pretty calm and matter of fact. He has a diffuse Astocytoma, grade II, but in the midst of that is a small spot that is lighting up solid and seems to be growing - they don't know what type it is. He has opted to have it removed while it is still small enough to do so. The diffuse tumor is inperable, he has been treated with oral chemo and natural methods - it is still there, but not growing. We both think that if the solid mass is removed, his body can focus more on fightng the diffuse tumor. He was very glad that I called. Even though we do not have the same type of tumor, he appreciates talking to people who have survived surgery and been "fine." Another of our friends has a gliobastoma (same as Ted Kennedy) and has been fighting it for 7 years now. He has to start a different chemo soon because the Avastin has stopped working. He is now enrolled in a clinical study at UCLA and I am confident that they will fnd something that works for him. He is, too - probably why he's still here fighting. Still more "newer" friends that love and respect me now, enjoy seeing me, talking with me and don't give a rat's ass who I was before cancer. It is refreshing interacting with people who love and accept me now and who never knew me until after my trauma.